It is never simple to create new friendships in older age. Many people have close friends from their childhood, even kindergarten – and sometime their parent forge friendships through them. Others have many acquaintances rather than close friends. When one looks at the gender differences, women tend to have more close friends and groups of friends than men. Men tend to forge friendships through group activities or get attached with their wife as a couple to their wife’s friends. Looking at the immigrant community, and by that, I mean not only from out of the country, but internal immigration as well, we see a somewhat different pattern. People who arrive at a new city from a place within Canada tend to connect with others from their place of origin. Sometimes they know each other, but even if not, they tend to seek each other out and share memories from their previous locale. Not only memories, but the familiarity of the culture also plays a role in connections. The friendships may be superficial, or they may become close.

For immigrants who come from different parts of the world, from different cultures and habits, the pattern may differ. It very much depends on the circumstances of their acclimatization. The refugees depend a lot on each other, and on the official agencies that are there for them to ease their integration. They are more concerned with housing, food, and education, so it is rare for them to create friendships outside their community. They often come as a group, and tend to stick together. Friendships outside their community occur at their workplace, English-language classes, and perhaps with their helpers.

Then there are those who come to advance their profession, study at university, or for a specific job opportunity. It is easier for them to make friends among their fellow professionals, students, and co-workers. There is no language barrier, and their children and spouses, if they come with them, make it easy to make friends with the local community. The community I landed into was the university department that my husband had a position in. It also helped that he was born in Canada, and was able to ease me into Canadian cultural niceties. For example: if you meet a stranger or a neighbour on the street and they greet you with “how are you doing?” they’re not interested in what is happening in your life – it is just a form of greeting.

I arrived in Canada with my husband and with a 5-year-old son, pregnant with a soon to be born daughter. The fairly small department was welcoming and helpful, and since my husband did both his Masters and PhD degrees at the local university, he had some friends and acquaintances from his previous stay. There was another connection, with the Jewish community and the synagogue. We had the good fortune to be embraced by 2 communities. We made many acquaintances and fruitful connections through involvement in activities both in the Jewish community and at the university. After a few years, when another baby was born and all the children where in school, stronger friendships were forged with some of the parents of our children’s friends, both from the general and the Jewish community. Some of the friends arrived themselves from different places in Canada and abroad, and with some we found common interests in science, the arts, and music. I continued studying and developed my career in the arts, was eventually also employed at the university, and developed my second (or third) career to become an art therapist.

My closest friend came to the city a few years after us, but had the advantage of being from a city that many of the community came from. She and her husband had an instant circle of friends. Her interest in community development appealed to my desire to help. The friendship, which developed through our children growing up together, blossomed into a true relationship of sharing thoughts, ideas, projects, and fun. We did not have to meet regularly or often, yet when we did there were no barriers to sharing a mood, a success, or some frustration. Sometimes we just had to look at each other, or hear each other’s tone of voice, to know what was happening. Even in our professional work we overlapped. We both worked with pain, physical and emotional. We consulted each other professionally, and knew from personal experience pain, loss and grief. We both were determined to persevere, never to give up, and to listen to our bodies and our emotional needs.

This starts looking like a eulogy, and I am afraid it actually is, since my closest friend is not physically here anymore. They say she passed away, but she is still here with me. I hear her voice chiding me to look after myself, to “never go to the ouch”. When I came back from her funeral and wanted only to curl up, since it hurt, she chastised me. “You have a qigong session, get up and go!” and I listened to her, since she was assertive, and indeed it was good to deal with the tightness in my body and the pain in my soul. Qigong is the perfect combination for this.

When you told me a bit over a month ago when we met online, as we were in Israel for our regular winter 7-month stay, of the diagnosis, it hit like as a bolt of lightning. We remembered your stay with us when you were in Israel, our closeness, our trips to Safed and Caesarea, and our sitting together in the garden, enjoying the view. It is hard to think that we will not have that again. When we arrived back in Canada we needed to see you. You were in charge, and I respected it. I was there when you needed, only on the phone when you decided. This terrible illness takes over and most people feel helpless. Not you! You had to be in charge, and all your loved ones accepted being there to accommodate your wishes. How important it is to suppress our needs to be with you, to feel you and to spend one more hour, minute, second together, and to respect your needs and wishes. We were all servants to your wishes, totally accepting your needs. You wanted to love us and leave us on your terms, and I was fully with you. You were true to your value “do not go to the ouch”. You left us, but you will always be with us. I can hear you saying “Chana, that is enough, stop it already”. I bow to your wishes as always, and say good bye for now.